Understanding Your Loneliness: Are You Lonely By Choice or Circumstance?

Ever found yourself scrolling through social media, seeing groups of friends laughing together, and feeling that familiar pang in your chest? That feeling that whispers, “Why not me”? I’ve been there too. Loneliness can feel like an unwelcome companion that refuses to leave, but understanding the nature of your loneliness is the first step toward addressing it.

I want to help you identify what kind of loneliness you’re experiencing. Because contrary to what many think, loneliness isn’t one-size-fits-all. It comes in different forms, for different reasons, and requires different solutions.

The Loneliness Epidemic: You’re Not Alone in Being Alone

Before we dive deeper, I want you to know something important: you’re not alone in feeling lonely.

About half of U.S. adults experience measurable levels of loneliness. The numbers are even higher among young adults and seniors. Loneliness has become so prevalent that it’s being called an epidemic.

But what exactly is loneliness? It’s not just being physically alone. It’s the gap between the social connections you have and the ones you want. It’s entirely possible to feel lonely in a crowded room or to be alone without feeling lonely at all.

Types of Loneliness: Identify Your Experience

1. Circumstantial Loneliness

This type of loneliness happens due to external situations beyond your control:

• moving to a new city;
• losing someone important through death or breakup;
• starting college or a new job;
• working remotely while others return to office;
• physical limitations or health issues.

Signs you might be experiencing circumstantial loneliness:

• your loneliness has a clear starting point connected to a life change;
• you had satisfying social connections before this change;
• you know what you’re missing and can identify it clearly.

Circumstantial loneliness is often temporary, though no less painful. The good news is that as circumstances change again, this type of loneliness often resolves with time and effort.

2. Selective Loneliness (Loneliness by Choice)

Or, how I like to put it, choosing quality over quantity when it comes to relationships.

Signs of selective loneliness:

• you’ve consciously decided to distance yourself from certain people;
• you have specific standards for friendships that you’re unwilling to compromise;
• you’d rather be alone than in relationships that don’t align with your values;
• you’re waiting for “your people” rather than forcing connections.

3. Internal Loneliness

This is perhaps the most complicated form of loneliness because it exists regardless of your external circumstances.

Signs of internal loneliness:

• you feel disconnected even when surrounded by people who care about you;
• you struggle to feel understood or seen, even by close friends or family;
• you hold back parts of yourself in relationships;
• you have people to do things with but no one you feel truly knows you.

Internal loneliness often stems from deeper issues like:

• past rejection or betrayal making it hard to trust;
• depression or anxiety affecting how you perceive relationships;
• feeling fundamentally different from others;
• trauma that has affected your ability to connect.

4. Chronic Loneliness

When loneliness persists for years, it can become chronic. This is particularly concerning because:

• your brain begins to perceive social situations as threatening;
• you develop heightened sensitivity to rejection;
• you start to withdraw further, creating a negative cycle;
• your physical health can be affected (research shows chronic loneliness increases inflammation and risk of heart disease).

According to research, chronic loneliness can actually change how your brain processes social information, making you more likely to interpret neutral social cues negatively.

Reflection Exercise: What Kind of Loneliness Are You Experiencing?

To understand your loneliness better, try answering these questions honestly:

1. When did you start feeling lonely? Can you connect it to a specific event or change?
2. Do you have people around you who care, but still feel disconnected?
3. Have you deliberately stepped away from certain relationships? Why?
4. What exactly are you missing? Is it casual company, deep connection, romantic intimacy, or something else?
5. When was the last time you felt truly connected to someone? What was different then?

Take a moment to reflect on your answers. They may reveal patterns you hadn’t noticed before.

Loneliness vs. Solitude: Important Distinctions

It’s crucial to distinguish between loneliness (the painful feeling of disconnection) and solitude (peaceful time alone). They might look similar from the outside, but they feel completely different on the inside.

Healthy solitude:

• feels rejuvenating;
• is chosen, not imposed;
• helps you connect with yourself;
• leaves you feeling centered and clear.

Unhealthy loneliness:

• feels draining;
• seems inescapable;
• disconnects you from yourself and others;
• leaves you feeling scattered and anxious.

Research suggests that how we think about our alone time dramatically affects whether it benefits or harms us. Chosen solitude can be deeply beneficial, while unwanted isolation can be harmful.

Addressing Different Types of Loneliness

For Circumstantial Loneliness

1. Acknowledge the transition. Give yourself grace during major life changes.
2. Be proactive about building new connections. Join groups related to your interests. Apps like Meetup can help you find local events.
3. Maintain old connections virtually. Schedule regular video calls with friends and family who are far away.
4. Consider the temporary nature. Remind yourself that this phase will pass as you build new connections.

For Selective Loneliness

1. Reaffirm your values. Remember why you’re being selective with relationships.
2. Find your tribe through shared interests. The internet makes it easier than ever to connect with like-minded people through forums, special interest groups, and online communities.
3. Be open to different types of connections. Sometimes friendships develop in unexpected places with people who seem different at first glance.
4. Work on being the person you want to attract. Live according to your values to naturally connect with others who share them.

For Internal Loneliness

1. Practice vulnerability gradually. Start sharing more authentic parts of yourself in small, safe ways.
2. Consider therapy. A good therapist can help you address the root causes of feeling disconnected.
3. Work on self-connection. Sometimes feeling disconnected from others stems from being disconnected from yourself.
4. Practice authentic communication. The Center for Nonviolent Communication offers resources on connecting more authentically.

For Chronic Loneliness

1. Seek professional help. Chronic loneliness often requires support to break the cycle.
2. Focus on quality over quantity in interactions. Even brief but meaningful connections can help.
3. Address negative thought patterns. Challenge thoughts like “No one would want to be friends with me.”
4. Start small with social interactions. Brief conversations with cashiers or baristas can help rebuild social muscles.

The Courage to Connect

Whether your loneliness is circumstantial, selective, internal, or chronic, addressing it requires courage. It means risking rejection, being vulnerable, and stepping outside your comfort zone.

I’ve found that the most meaningful connections often come when I’m brave enough to show my authentic self. When I stopped presenting a polished version of myself and started sharing my real thoughts, fears, and dreams, I found deeper connections, even if I found fewer of them.

If you need to talk to someone who will listen (no pressure, no judgement), you can book a call with me (Addie) here. Looking forward to meeting you!

Technology: Friend or Foe to Connection?

We can’t talk about modern loneliness without addressing technology. While social media and smartphones can connect us across vast distances, they can also create the illusion of connection without its substance.

What matters isn’t how much time you spend online, but how you use that time. Active engagement (messaging, video calls) tends to decrease loneliness, while passive consumption (scrolling feeds) tends to increase it.

Try auditing your technology use:

• Are you actively engaging or passively consuming?
• Does your time online leave you feeling more or less connected?
• Could some of your online time be better spent in face-to-face interactions?

Embracing the Journey

Understanding and addressing your loneliness isn’t a quick process, it’s a journey. Some days will be harder than others. You’ll make progress and face setbacks. That’s normal.

What matters most is that you’re taking steps to understand yourself better and create the connections you need. Whether you’re lonely by circumstance or choice, temporarily or chronically, there are paths forward.

Remember that connection exists on a spectrum. Not every relationship needs to be deep and intimate. Sometimes, the regular smile and chat with your local barista can be just as important for combating loneliness as heart-to-heart talks with close friends.

Your Turn: Reflection Questions

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments:

1. What type of loneliness resonates most with your experience?
2. What’s one small step you could take this week toward meaningful connection?
3. Has there been a time when you chose solitude over unfulfilling relationships? How did it feel?

Recognizing the nature of your loneliness is the first step toward finding your way back to connection: whether that’s with new people, with the people already in your life, or even with yourself.